Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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