I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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