I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
