so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
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