Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
