Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
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