His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Randomize
