i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
