Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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