Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Randomize
