I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
There's a naked man in my car right now.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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