I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Randomize
