Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
