Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
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