every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
