The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
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Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
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I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
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