Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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