Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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