you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Randomize
