I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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