No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
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