vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
