HIV tests are more positive than that guy
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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