You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
Girls should come with a carfax report
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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