Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Randomize
