The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
