How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
