y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
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