Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
