I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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