i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
