So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
Randomize
