Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
