I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
