The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
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