I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
he fucked my hip out of place.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
