The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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