Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
