so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
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