moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Randomize
