I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
