I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
