im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
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