he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Randomize
