Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Randomize
