If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
