I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
