In the future we'll all be gay
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
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my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
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Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Vodka. Vodka happened.