I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
