I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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