I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
