If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
