White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
