I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Randomize
