you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
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