I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
