I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Randomize
