Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
