You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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