The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Randomize
