apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
