take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
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It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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