man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
